I cried myself to sleep yesterday. I just couldn’t stop crying and I don’t even know where all this sadness comes from. I’ve been feeling quite good lately. I’ve felt that I’m moving into something else in my life. To a new way of being where happiness and joy is my normal state of being. But all that has been washed away lately. And I’m left with a feeling of loneliness, which actually is quite new to me. Loneliness is not a feeling that has been tormenting me for years, no I very rarely feel lonely. I really enjoy my own company. I know myself well and I’ve also learned, quite recently, to really take care of myself. Usually I treat myself well. I have so many self-loving practices. And it helps of course. But not lately. I simply can’t feel anything except loneliness and it hurts, it hurts a lot.
But I think I change will come soon. I already feel better since I left my hotel a few hours ago. That place wasn’t the best for me. Now I’m having lunch at Zest Ubud, a newly opened plant based restaurant that I actually knew about. Chef Simon from Bali Silent Retreat is part of this place and I still dream about his food. About two years ago I spent 10 days in silence there and it was probably the best food I’ve ever had. So my expectations were pretty high but I wasn’t disappointed today. Without any hesitation the best food I’ve had in quite some time. And it makes me happy. Yes happy. Plant based healthy food always brings me joy. Especially when it’s served in a nice environment with beauty. In my dreams I’ve a private chef since I don’t really like cooking…
And this place is quiet (probably not very known yet) and I’ve been longing for stillness since I arrived. Almost no other quests here. All (really not that many yet) the other places I’ve been to in Ubud have been packed and I haven’t felt comfortable. But I do that here. And it’s such a relief. Now I feel more in tune with starting my retreat in two hours. I think it will be good. I go there with the best intentions. I’m not afraid anymore to show myself. All of me. Even if I’m sad and uncomfortable. I know I’m allowed to crash also among other people. Usually people want to help. Even strangers. And it’s not that strange when I think about it because I do the same for others. We are all connected. It’s natural.
They also play some really nice music here. I heard a song from New Orleans and that really brought back so many memories. I had one of my best nights ever there, also about two years ago. I danced and danced and danced. The music was incredible, I didn’t know it was possible, it almost felt unreal, I had to pinch myself. And I just entered this state of pure joy that I sometimes do when I dance. I really love to dance, I should do it more. Actually, the Bali Spirit Festival will take place while I’m here, I just found out a couple of days ago. At the moment it feels a bit overwhelming to attend (very big event) but I’ll see. I could really dance there.