Things have not been so delightful and easy lately. I’ve been sick to my stomach and now my “usual” stomach problems are back. That means feeling nauseous, bloated and heavy. With that comes headache and fatigue. So I’ve been in bed a lot. And when I do go out (the only reason I’ve been out is to eat really) I don’t want to be around people. I find the vegan places here too busy and loud and people are too close. I really need my own space when I’m feeling like this. So my restaurant experiences have been stressful and not relaxed at all. And that hasn’t helped my stomach of course. It’s a delicate matter. And by now I’m starting to miss a lot of food I usually have. It’s always a challenge traveling with a sensitive stomach. I know some things that are really good for me but at the same time I can eat really healthy and “good” and still have these problems. For me it’s also stress related. Or at least I believe so. If I feel very good and happy my stomach can usually tolerate more food. But I never know really.
One thing I do know though is that my stomach issues are affecting my life a lot. It’s holding me back A LOT. That’s the reason why I feel so fatigued and it’s just never a pleasant feeling being social when you feel nauseous more or less the whole time and just want to lie down. But of course I want to do things in my life so I really push myself and do things anyway. But the general feeling I always walk around with is just a strong desire to rest. And it has been like this for a long, long time. And I’ve been resting a lot lately. More or less the whole autumn, since I moved to Berlin. Yes I’ve completed a web development course but I took it very easy, careful not to push myself too much. And it’s impossible for me nowadays anyway, my body just doesn’t allow it. So I’ve been patient, hoping my body will feel restored and energized again. But to be honest it was such a long time ago since I had that feeling so I simply can’t remember how that feels. But I’ll not give up of course. I just don’t accept or believe that my life force has left me in my thirties. Because there’s so much I haven’t experienced yet in this life. And I’m hungry for it. So hungry.
But it’s hard also to understand exactly why I feel so fatigued. Because physically my body is still strong. I mean, I felt really really weak yesterday but anyhow decided to practice Ashtanga yoga (self practice, no I don’t want to be around people!) and during the practice my body feels strong. It’s the same with running. I can feel really nauseous and go running and my body actually likes it. So in that way my body isn’t weak.
Once I’m back in Berlin again I’ll really look into my diet more. Find someone professional and run some tests. And be strict about a suggested diet for a period. Because I can’t rule out that my stomach problems are related to my diet. But I really need some expert advice on this because it’s such a complicated subject. Food and diet. And different people give you different advice.
And maybe I’ll go back to my vegan diet again. If my body wants it. I’ll still eat mostly plant based, that’s for sure. (I’ve had some milk during the last week and it just feels terrible to my body).
And yes, the picture is the view from my terrace at my guest house in Ubud, Bali. I still have five more days here even though I feel ready to go back by now. It’s just hard feeling excited or motivated on a “holiday” when you just want to rest all the time. And I know this feeling so well. This is what happened to me last year when I was traveling. It’s a very lonely feeling. Because as soon as I leave my bed and go out I see all these people enjoying themselves. And I just wish my body allowed me to do the same. And I feel a bit sad.