Today I started my internship as a web developer. I’ve described this “step” as a big change for me when I’ve talked about it because I haven’t really been committed to anything for almost two years. And from now on I’ve to be somewhere in the mornings again. But well, it actually didn’t feel like a big change and I still have a lot of freedom. Since I don’t get paid it’s more or less up to me how much time I want to spend there. I see it as a good transition for me if I will end up with a full time job for a shorter period later on (just to learn more). But let’s not worry about that now.
I’m back in Berlin since almost a week. I don’t know what’s going on with me but I feel very strange. Can it still be the jet lag? I don’t recognize my body and its sensations. And it’s not pleasant. I feel a bit groggy I guess, unsteady. And yes, tired of course but I’m always tired so that feels unnecessary to mention at this point. My health worries me of course. But I’ve already written about this. It’s not so interesting. But it’s more or less what my life consists of, taking care of myself, always trying to find ways to gain strength again. And this kind of existence often feels very lonely. Especially since I returned here, I’ve felt so lonely. But I know, I’ve decided to give Berlin three more months, then I’ll make a new decision about where to live. And three months are not such a long time. And hopefully I’ll have the energy to keep busy with the programming. I know it’s good for me to have something to focus on.
I’m very glad that I took the decision to go away for a month. But a lot of things also raised to the surface in Bali and it’s hard now to deal with everything. And many things that I had established here before I left now feels very hard to resume. It’s like so much has happened that I just can’t go back to how things were. So maybe that’s why I feel so lost and lonely. I need to find new ways and I know for sure that I still have so much to implement. Maybe I just need more time. I hope that’s the case. That a beautiful change will come. That’s really what I’m hoping for. It’s about time. I know of course that I need to keep doing all the work but I also need to take a break sometimes. And Bali sure was no break when it comes to challenging myself! Wow it was very full on for me. So I know, no pressure and wait until I’m ready to take the next step. I’m still very much reprogramming my brain. And it’s a huge task, I’m very stubborn. Now I feel quite dizzy so I’m going to stop here.