It’s funny, I think I’m starting to find my way now. I’ve been so reluctant to actually commit to the programming, that is supposed to be my new career. I know I kind of made a decision in Bali to actually pursue this plan. But to be honest it wasn’t really something that I felt at the time. I was told it was a great plan and yes, it’s the most logical thing for me to do at this point of course, since I have invested time and effort since last August. But well, I couldn’t feel it. It wasn’t something that I was looking forward to. So when I came back here I felt a big resistance. And I haven’t really done so much. I’ve been thinking a lot about giving it up. Thinking “it wasn’t for this feeling that I gave up my previous career, there has to be something else for me out there”. And I truly believe there are many, many things for me “out there”. And they will reveal themselves in time. But now I have come to the conclusion that what’s best for me at the moment is to actually continue with the programming. And instead of living with this doubt I’ll try to see opportunities, think that I actually learn something every day, even if it kind of feels like a drop in the ocean, and enjoy the progress I’m making.
Yes this decision feels grounded and integrated in me. It takes a lot of pressure away. Because I can’t say that programming is my passion. I still don’t know at all what my “passion” is. So many people have been telling me that I should find my passion. And I’ve been searching for almost two years now (full time). But so far I’ve come up with nothing. And I’ve felt disappointed and frustrated many times. But what has changed quite recently is that I’ve a strong belief that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for me. I just have to trust the process. And keep on going. It’s as simple as that. So it’s time to get more focused on the programming, because it’s absolutely necessary at this point. Otherwise I may as well give up this plan. I know I really have to make an effort now and have a steep learning curve.
I know I’ve a fear that everything will be exactly as I felt about my previous career. Feeling exhausted and depleted, giving way too much of myself to a job I didn’t enjoy. But it doesn’t have to be like that. I know this. I can shape my future, of course I can. I mean, I know I’ve the capacity, I just have to have the right mindset at this point. Focus on the progress and excitement (still hard to feel though). And be open to change direction along the way. And always, this is the most important thing, be honest, about everything. That is really my guiding star. If I can’t be honest in a situation, then it’s not right for me. And I’m actually surprised how many times honesty “works”. Also in professional settings. So there’s definitely hope.
(This picture is actually from Rangoon in Myanmar but it kind of reminds me a bit of Berlin).